I was that mom who always thought I’ll do the “right” things once I have kids. You know the mom you see in Home Improvement and Full House. The “stay at home” mom who took care of the house, the kids, the husband. Homemade breakfasts, lunches and dinners, baked cookies in between all that, and of course the variety of different classes the child will attend, and since they’re already having so much fun hanging out with mom – have no need to watch any form of television. And of course the house would always be spotless, the laundry always done, and there’ll always be fresh flowers as centerpieces on the table from my immaculate garden.
Then….. I got pregnant. And being pregnant is nothing like ANYTHING you see in the movies, so why should being a mom be any different. If I thought being pregnant was hard, I wasn’t prepared for what parenting had to bring. It was like being slapped in the face with a slimy fish. WHOA! I was so not prepared for that.
The debates are endless, cry or cuddle? Cuddling them “spoils” them, but letting them cry it out is too “cruel” and makes them feel “alone”. Soother or Thumb? Soother makes them “dependent on you”, and a thumb teaches them to be more “independent”. Breast or Bottle? Spanking or Timeout? Stay at Home or Work from Home? Vaccinate or not Vaccinate? Fruits or Vegetables first, and then the list goes on and on.
I tried to be one of those “prepared moms”. I subscribed to Parents magazine, read the books “What to Expect when you’re Expecting”, AND “Your Baby’s First Year’s Guide”. I referenced back to those books when my daughter’s poop was a different color then it was the previous day. I read about breastfeeding, when to start solids, what kind of solids, and her week by week development. I believed in all that and more – after all, as my pediatrician once said to me – “you at least read a manual or have a teacher before you operate a vehicle – so why don’t parents read and prepare a little more about parenting”.
As new parents, most of us research, read countless books and talk to everybody and their cow who have children. I was always an eternal student. I hated school, but I believed that knowledge always meant less room for error. But by the time, I was 32 weeks with my first child – I thought I had it all “figured out”. I was also extremely freaked out. I was completely scared out of my wits about drowning my baby girl because you know they say in the books – 2 inches of water for less than 5 seconds is enough to cause irreparable damages. I was also scared that she’ll stop breathing in the middle of the night. So for the first month of my child’s life, I made my husband give her a bath and I stood by and watched just to stand guard in case anything goes wrong. I also probably didn’t sleep the first month, because while my baby slept, I would somehow make it over every hour or so to make sure she was still “okay”.
It’s just not until your baby is truly born are you hit with “reality”. You’ll find that as you carry on through your parenting journeys that sometimes the roads are paved with good intentions. You’ll find that you’ll re-research, you’ll call your Mom friends a few hundred times a day, and then when you’ve exhausted all your resources or you’re just plainly exhausted, you’ll just make choices and wing it.
You will always do what you believe is best and be prepared to face the consequences. Good or Bad – you’ll make your choices and well – try to stick with them. Or will you? We’ve all have moments where the choices we make cause those around us to cringe. And for some reason, when you’re a mom with a child – strangers would have no problem telling you what you’re really doing wrong. “You’re doing/feeding/saying THAT to your child”? , and then you’ll have that weak moment when you think she’s a better mom then I am, and you end up doing what that stranger says because she is that “Uber Mom”.
You know Uber Mom. There’s always one in the playground who looks as though she and her offspring have been pulled from a Ralph Lauren catalogue. She only carries organic snacks in an organic sack she made herself from the cotton she spun last night on her spinning wheel. She drives a brand new minivan that’s never seen dirt, she cooks 3 meals a day, does laundry and then irons everything that comes out of the dryer. She’s always smiling and of course never misses the weekly yoga class. I’d say she’s all “sugar and spice”, but that wouldn’t work since she’s soooooo anti-sugar as well, and all the goodie two shoe’d sweetness that she is – well makes me want to just barf. Now I’m not saying any of those things are wrong or bad, and if you strive to be or are one of those moms, right on. What I’m saying is that, it’s moms who fit the “perfect” persona who inevitably make the rest of us feel like we’re on sinking ships.
So what do we do? How do we face this battlefield called parenthood and come out on the other side – (when our kids are all 18 and off to college) – unscathed? How do we listen when the voices inside our head (and yes – there are voices inside my head) tell us that our guts are making the right decision. I’ve decided to just go with my guts, I’ve done my research, talked it over with not only just my friends, my pediatrician and my spouse but at the end of the day, it’s me who has to account for my choices. I learned that I didn’t have to be “uber mom”. My house would never be spotlessly cleaned, there won’t be any fresh cut flowers daily, the laundry might not get done, and we’ll have to order take out once in awhile. But, I would be happy. I would enjoy life as a working mom, spending time with my spouse in front of the TV or in bed, or just making a mess in the living room with my 2 year old daughter. I’ll also remember that in times when the whole room seems to shudder, the whispers seem louder than a punk concert and the disapproving looks make you want to shrink into your diaper bag, that being a mom isn’t easy. Being a good mom is even harder; in fact it’s kind of like when we tell our kids to stand up to peer pressure, ignore the taunts and insults, trade in the easy road for the right choice and be prepared, because sometimes you might just be standing alone.
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