To All the Non Preggers

So is it a Boy or Girl? What are you hoping for? Do you have weird cravings? So you really haven't gained much weight except for your belly or you're just hiding it really well? Are you planning on breast feeding? isn't it too soon to have your 2nd child?

The list goes on and on. One of these days, I'll make a t-shirt that I'll wear everyday that reads - "I don't know what I'm having yet. I'm hoping for a boy, but a girl will be nice as well, and my first born will be 2 and a half when her sister/brother is born, but mostly this is none of your business". Or I'll just keep it simple and have it read "I'm pregnant, but I'm very capable of carrying another conversation other then what's going on inside my uterus".

I can't tell you how many times I answer these questions. It's well-meaning, I know. Strangers who also have children looking for common ground or a way to connect. Friends and family looking for a way to catch up. The lady at the register trying to chit-chat while my payment goes through.

Most of the time, I smile, nod, answer their questions and then proceed to listen to their horror stories. Everyone seems to have a horror story they need to share with a pregnant woman on the pregnancy, the birth or the child afterward. If not, they have some form of advice or words of wisdom that they feel the need to pass along.

I've heard it all before. Friends and family who has no children and doesn't have plans in the distant future to ever have kids talk about how "smug" mommies to be are when they're talking about their pregnancy. Hey, Garfunkel and Oats even wrote a song titled "Pregnant Women are Smug" that has more then half a million views on YouTube. Aside from the fact that these two ladies probably never had morning sickness, muscle spasms, and ongoing pains throughout their body for 9 months, I can't help but think most of these conversations that we have that talk about our pregnant belly isn't started by us.

I've longed understood that common sense isn't really common practice in people's world, so a few pet peeves us pregos do have.

1. You don't go up to a random stranger, acquaintance, coworker or even friend and start touching their stomach. Whatever made you think it's ok to do that to a pregnant women? if you really must cop a feel, ask for permission before touching.
   
2. You definitely don't tell a stranger, acquaintance or even friend how fat they're looking lately. It's one of those unwritten rules, you don't comment on other people's weight unless you're complimenting them. Whatever made you think it's ok to comment on how FAT your pregnant friend is looking these days? FYI - we have mirrors and we get weighed each doctor appointment we go to. We KNOW how much weight we're gaining, and you don't have to be a constant reminder on how that lunch is going straight to our thighs. (Even if you're joking - it's not funny)

Lastly, despite the basketball, watermelon or whatever you want to call it that's growing daily in my stomach, I'm still ME. I still have a passion for the arts, hidden secret talented cooking abilities, a sometimes bratty 2 year old, and an amazing husband who's smart and rocks my world. I'm still making dinner most nights for my family, still have a love for shopping and girly spa treatments, still love to browse bookstores and watch chic flicks and drama. So next time you want to have a conversation, really - asking only the question - "How are you feeling today?" would suffice for me. I know you're really not that interested in learning the pains and woes of my pregnancy and I seriously don't want to hear the horror stories you've collected throughout the years.

All Secrets Revealed

So a friend said to me the other day, "I can't wait to get pregnant. It seems just so nice to have that pregnancy glow, and have that little bundle of joy growing inside of you. I'm really looking forward to when I get pregnant. The delivery, I'm really scared and afraid of, but the pregnancy is just going to be GREAT".

I couldn't help but laugh, and then wished her Good Luck. Told her delivery was probably the easiest part of the whole ordeal. I wasn't/am not one of those lucky biatches who had amazing pregnancies. But then again, I guess I understand where she's coming from. When I was still single and watching my sister pregnant with her first-born, I also only noticed the glow, the slight pampering my brother in law gave her, and the extra naps she took during the day. All did look pretty cheerful and rosy on the other side, till of course; I got pregnant.

There has to be a copy of some book somewhere that tell all moms to not let any secrets out. Well, mine seem to have gotten lost in the mail, so here are all the secrets revealed. At the end of it, you may want to think reallly hard before getting knocked up.

• Morning Sickness - it must've been a man who labeled this horrible, horrendous symptom morning sickness. It should just be labeled "full day, full night sickness". Most argues the reason why it's called "morning sickness" is because that's when you feel the worse - when you first wake up in the morning. In reality, you just feel sick like this day and night. To put in perspective for some of you who still has no idea what I'm talking about? Imagine the time when you got really drunk and woke up the next morning feeling like ass + you're plagued with food poisoning. You feel nauseous the whole day and then puke whenever you eat anything. Now times that by a minimum of 3 and a half months EVERY SINGLE day. That's "morning sickness". Now I also have to mention, I LOVE to eat. I connected with my husband and a lot of friends over food and our mutual love for food, so imagine how I feel when I just can't eat for 3+ months. I've read that there are some people who this last throughout their 40 weeks of pregnancy. I truly deeply feel sorry and send my condolences to those poor souls.

• Migraines -My friend Janet gets migraines. My friend Jessica gets migraines. My husband gets migraines at times. I DON'T get migraines. That is, till I got pregnant. These are the devil of headaches, and on one can fully explain why these things happen when you get knocked up. The only thing they explain like they explain everything else is "those pregnancy hormones".

• Constipation - truly, this may seem like nothing - that is until you've been backed up for several days and you've started cramping. Before I was pregnant, my digestive system was like a baby. I went as many times as I ate. Exactly the way it's supposed to be. NOW...I go about once every 2 days or so. And that one time usually requires me sitting there for approximately 15-20 minutes alternating between pushing, screaming and sweating before anything happens. By the end of it, there are beads of sweat running down my forehead, and it feels like I literally just gave birth.

• Overactive Bladder - Before my firstborn arrived, I got all types of unsolicited advice from strangers that told me that told me to get all the sleep I can now before the baby is born, because I won't be able to after she's here. I wanted to smack them, because seriously, who asked them? But other than that simple fact, have they been around me and my bladder? It's a double edge sword, you need to drink more water to stay hydrated, but the more water you drink, the more you end up peeing. I already used the bathroom enough before I was pregnant, but I seriously didn't resort to waking up 2-3 times a night to pee at that time. Except when you're pregnant, you'll never sleep through the night again, because I'm usually up at 2:30, and then again at 5:30 just to pe. So much for getting my sleep in before the baby's here. I'm already NOT sleeping.
  

• Backaches, pelvic pains, and stomach cramps - Ahh. You think I'm pregnant now, I don't have to deal with menstrual cramps. Oh boy are you wrong. At least when you get your monthly friend prior to pregnancy, you're also allowed to pop Advils every few hours to keep the pain at bay. These days, you just deal with these pains as they come. Early on, i can just be the implantation pain, then there's the round ligaments type pain, and then much later on, you'll start dealing with the baby kicking you kind of pain, and of course later on there's the contraction type pain. All of these usually accompanied with back pain.
  

• Hemorrhoids - No one ever talks about these because it's seriously embarrassing. I didn't even want to tell my husband the first time around. We were on vacation in Vegas with another couple, and I was walking and sitting funny and looking like I was in constant pain. A few days later, I finally gave in and told him. He laughed his ass off, and proceeded to tell all his friends. I was still in pain and can barely sit, stand or walk. I'm praying and begging it just doesn't happen this time.
  

• Heartburn - Again, something I never ever experienced before I got pregnant, but something I very quickly learned I HATED. I stocked up on Tums in my cabinets, my purse, and in my office and was popping those suckers like candy. Needless to say of course - the relief from eating the Tums are short and you'll very quickly find yourself in lots of pain again.
  

• Kicking - Yes, your child kicks you. Yes, it's very sweet and awwww moment initially when it first happens, but when you're in the last 2 months and you literally see the feet moving from the left side of your stomach to the right side - it's really NOT that cute anymore. Not to mention I started to get bruises where she kicked me so hard.
  

I'm of course deliberately leaving stuff out, but seriously, I don't want to scare away too many potential moms if I haven't already. On the plus side, most people do get bigger boobs, shinier hair, nicer skin - thus the glow, and each time you hear the heartbeat during your ultrasound, or see the little baby swimming around in your sonogram, you then realize why you put up with all the pain. So if you're really truly feeling ready for motherhood and giving up alcohol for a full year, grab your partner tonight and hit the sack. Not everyone gets the same crappy experience as me, yours might just be wonderful.

Though seriously - I still think some mad scientist need to figure out how to shorten a women's pregnancy from 40 weeks down to only 12 weeks. Till that day comes, 27 weeks and counting till the 2nd little bean is born.